For Adults with ADHD
Past Letters #4
Letter from the ADD Adult Support Group Leader:
April 2nd, 2004
ADD Adults and Adult Support Group Members,
Spring finally seems to be showing itself, I hope you all have had a chance to enjoy some of the nice weather we've been having. They say that spring is a time when love is in the air. Which made me think of a very important aspect of ADD growing: our relationships with others.As many of your loved ones undoubtedly know, ADD brings both some wonder full qualities to a relationship, as well as some more difficult ones. A person with ADD tends to be very creative, and they can often show their partner what it means to go with the flow. But for people who don't have ADD it can sometimes be difficult to understand the way our minds work. Does the fact that we sometimes don't listen (regardless of how important the conversation is) mean that we don't really care? As ADD people we know that's not true. And when we don't remember to take the garbage out does that mean we are trying "to get out of something," or are we just having a bad ADD day?
The important thing to know is that there are many ways to work around some of the bumps ADD will put in the road. First your loved one's need to have enough understanding of what ADD is so that they see that your being distracted, obsessed, or forgetful is not a reflection of your feelings about them. Besides explaining what ADD is, one of the ways to show them is to come up with game plans for how you can handle the most common bumps you experience in your relationship. If you have trouble drifting away during a conversation should you take notes to keep yourself engaged in the conversation? Should you repeat what the other person says periodically, summarizing so you both know you've heard the same thing? Can you agree on a way of saying this isn't the best time to talk, I am having a bad ADD day? If you work out a plan together, trying different ones as you look for the best solution, then your partner can see how much you are trying.
And for any activities around the home, you can formulate a plan together for what might make it easier for you to remember or complete certain activities. Agreeing upon reminders you might need, times of days for specific activities. For instance if you take the garbage out every morning as you leave for work, will your spouse agree that its OK to have the garbage in the house overnight, because that is the easiest way for you to remember to do it? Are you willing to make sure that you cover certain important tasks in times when you are still fully charged and can concentrate on those tasks?
I believe that our ADD brings many gifts to our relationships. I think we forget these because the problems speak with such a loud voice. But I have seen many couples get to a place of harmony with each other, so remember to approach things positively, as a challenge. Because the problems ADD bring to a relationship are just a specific version of the same challenges every couple faces.
So good luck this spring, I hope that it brings you joy and maybe a bit of romance too.
Regards,
Lauren Torres
Adult Support Group Leader
